1st IUI- Update 12

Things that went differently this cycle

(or in other words, “Reasons why I think this IUI should have worked”)

1. I gained weight. Not the 12 pounds the doctor wanted (HA!). Not even close, actually. But I consistently was 4 pounds above the weight I’ve been at since 2007, which I consider a huge win. And I stopped running (only run I’ve done since January was one 5K run on April 9).
2. I was on Vitamin D. My levels were low back in February and I’ve been taking it daily since then.
3. I took Clomid on cycle days 4-8 instead of 3-7 like I did the other 4 cycles. This is purely to blame on insurance because the doctor wanted me to be on it days 3-7, but it was different.
4. Trigger shot. Basically forced my eggs out of their follicles.
5. IUI got us a lot of good sperm close to the action and gently nudged them to FERTILIZE.
6. We followed all the doctor’s orders. (Rob is such a rule follower.) Including no drinking for me between IUI and beta, and no sex. It was a rough two weeks. Basically no stress relievers for me for fourteen days.
7. Monitoring to make sure my lining was healthy and thick.
8. Clomid made my progesterone higher post ovulation.

Basically, a lot of reasons why it should have worked.

-DD

1st IUI- Update 11

Longest two weeks. Of. My. Life. Women experienced in trying to conceive call the two weeks between ovulation and pregnancy test the “two week wait” (TWW). I mean, a lot of women test before a full two weeks have past, but the TWW is more of a state of mind. By this time, you’ve done everything you can to get pregnant and now you just wait to find out the results. You “symptom spot”, trying to see if your body is giving any clues as to whether you’re pregnant or not. So many things have been going through my head.

First, I can’t seem to get my brain to agree not get my hopes up. Logically, I know (and keep trying to remind myself) that there is only a 10% chance that this IUI worked. However, my heart seems sure that this MUST have worked. I keep fighting the hope and try to bring myself back to realistic expectations, but I’m having a hard time controlling it.

Second, my symptoms have been all over the place. Certain symptoms I’ve been experiencing are typical TWW symptoms… sore breasts, irritability, some acne, etc. Some symptoms I remember having in my previous Clomid cycles… insomnia, gas, constipation. But some symptoms are brand new…cramps, ovary soreness, sciatic pain, vivid dreams, overly emotional. Which of course leads to googling. Which inevitably turns out to be a pregnancy symptoms someone somewhere had, so it MUST mean that it’s a pregnancy symptom for me! The mind games of the TWW are real.

Being in this TWW also means deciding whether to take a pregnancy test (and when), or whether to wait for my period to show up. Many of my trying-to-conceive friends start testing as early as 7-8 days after they ovulate. About 97% of the time, the test will be negative, but they can keep the hope alive and testing early relieves their anxiety. Some won’t test unless they have different symptoms to ease their sense of curiosity. And others don’t test at all and instead wait for their periods to show up.

I fall firmly in the “wait as long as possible” camp. The main reason for this is because I’ve seen far too many negative pregnancy tests already in the last 16 months, and I don’t want to see any more. A negative affects me soooooo much, so I avoid it as much as possible.

This cycle, I could have chosen to take a pregnancy test. And almost did. Waiting 14 days to find out whether this IUI worked or not is pretty close to emotional torture. So I was thisclose to taking a pregnancy test a couple days before the blood test. I thought if I am pregnant, the best thing in the world would be to take a pregnancy test and FINALLY see those two lines on the test. The surprise and relief would be amazing. And it would give me a more “natural” pregnancy experience. However, ultimately I decided that if I’m not pregnant, I truly can’t handle seeing one line instead of two on a pregnancy test. My heart just can’t handle it. So I’m waiting until my blood test.

I will find out if I’m pregnant, or if I’m not, by listening to a voicemail from my nurse after work the day of my beta blood test. I talked to Rob about how he wanted this experience to go. Would we listen to it together? Would he want to be surprised by me? So far, we’ve agreed that I’ll listen to the voicemail by myself when I get home from work. Then, one of two things will happen. If I’m not pregnant, Rob will come home and find me 3 glasses deep in the most expensive bottle of wine we’ve ever bought. (But remember, this is us we’re talking about, so the wine was $14.99. And I actually told him as we were buying it that it would be my consolation prize for not being pregnant. Again.) I’ll also probably be either cuddling with Max on the couch, which isn’t really allowed, or I’ll be in bed, covers over my head. If by some miracle I am pregnant, I have quite a few things that I bought a year ago (when I thought our journey would be shorter) that I’ll use to surprise Rob when he comes home.

I’m going to take a break from the blog after we receive the results. I’m going to need some time to fully process the results either way. I’m sorry to do this, but I’ll update in a couple weeks with either some good news (hopefully) or with the progress on our second IUI cycle, which we’ll probably be about halfway through. Please just keep us in your thoughts these next couple weeks that Rob and I have peace in our hearts either way.

-DD

P.S. Please don’t ask me if I’m pregnant.

Tu me manques

“Tu me manques” is the French way to say I miss you. But the direct English translation is truly beautiful. Directly translated, “tu me manques” means “you are missing from me”. And that is how I feel about our baby.

 

 

We’ve been trying to have a baby for what seems like forever. And probably since we reached the 6 month mark, I’ve felt exactly like that meme above… that we’re waiting for someone we don’t know and we don’t know when they’ll arrive. It’s certainly a test of patience.

I’ve heard people say that having children is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside your body. This process of infertility is like having a piece of my heart floating out of my body like a bubble and I’m searching for it in the dark with my eyes closed. One day the morning will come, my eyes will open, and I’ll be able to see and my heart will be whole again. But this is like waiting for a never-ending night to end.

I can only hope that dawn comes soon and the piece that is missing finds us.

-DD

1st IUI- Update 10

Quick update… it’s been a week since my IUI, so I had to return to the clinic to get another blood draw.

This one was to test my progesterone levels, to make sure they were high enough to support implantation and embryo development. Last time my levels were at 8, which was high enough to confirm ovulation, but really too low to support conception. The doctor said that they like to see them between 10-20.

I got the call from my nurse like always, but couldn’t answer it. I checked my voicemail in a free minute and Agnes said that my progesterone levels are at 16.5! Double what they were last cycle!!

Several things contributed to higher progesterone levels this cycle- Clomid tends to help; the trigger shot probably triggered a more effective and forceful ovulation, which can positively impact progesterone.

I feel like FINALLY something went super right! I was so excited to get that report. There’s still no way to know if I’m pregnant yet… that’s next week’s blood test! (Pray for me that I’ll be able to sleep… I’ve been struggling!)

-DD

Childless on Mother’s Day

The worst day of the year for women struggling with infertility. (Christmas is a close second.)

Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate and honor the wonderful women in our lives who have raised us or are raising the beautiful families around us. Mothers are heroes and deserve the love and honor they get on this special day. I think we all recognize that and want to thank those women for the support they provide and the selflessness they embody in caring for their children.

However, for a woman who wants nothing more than to be a mother, this day is a big slap-in-the-face reminder of what we want but can’t have.

I’m not usually religious, but I try to go to Mass with my mom on Mother’s Day. I know it makes her happy. But when the priest asks all the mothers to stand or raise their hands, and asks everyone to pray for them, I will silently weep and try to hide my tears.

For the past few years, we’ve had dinner at my in-laws. I love spending time with them and celebrating holidays. But when my sister-in-law talks about what her kids got her for Mother’s Day, or my mother-in-law nonchalantly mentions again that she hopes next year there will be more people at our table, my chest will get tight and my heart will break.

And when I go to work on Monday and all the mothers I work with are talking about how their families spoiled them, or even when they complain that their husbands didn’t do anything and all their kids did was get them a lame card, I’ll secretly wish that in a few years I can make the same comments with my coworkers.

Because Mother’s Day to me is like all my female friends have been invited every year to the party of the century, and my name is left off the guest list again.

So this Mother’s Day, I’m wishing blessings on women with children that they bore, that they adopted, that they carried for a woman who could not, or that they inherited through circumstance.

I’m wishing blessings on the the mothers who have children that live only in their hearts because they were called back to heaven too soon.

I wish blessings on the men and women who are struggling through this Mother’s Day without a living mother to talk to, hug, or spoil.

And I’m wishing blessings on the other women who have empty arms this year, who would prefer to stay in bed with the covers over their heads, and whose hearts ache so deeply for a child. May we experience an atypical but refreshing sense of peace on Mother’s Day this year.

So this year, in addition to appreciating your mother and the mothers in your life,  please think of what Mother’s Day means to others and send some prayers up for those whose hearts aren’t whole.

-DD

 

 

 

1st IUI- Update 9

This is the third day in a row that I’ve not been able to button my pants. Stupid trigger-induced bloating. 

Oops, I mean… Feeling great! Hoping that this bloating isn’t for naught! If it continues much longer, I’m giving up on pants.

-DD

1st IUI- Update 8

Today was IUI day. It was quite a busy morning!

It started off with Rob having to take care of business at home. Hey, the sperm for IUI has to come from somewhere. Then he had to take off for work, so I had to transport the sample jar to the clinic by myself. In order for all the little guys to make it to the clinic safely  without dying, it’s important to keep it as close to body temperature as possible. So naturally, I put it between my breasts.

It was uncomfortable, but worked!

Then I went into the clinic and waited what seemed like forever (really it was 10 minutes), with our sperm in between my legs. I was basically panicking, imagining all those little swimmers dying while we waited.

FINALLY a nurse came out to get me and bring me to the back where they wash the sperm. He checked all our information (I needed one of Rob’s IDs… they make sure not to mess up!), and then he took the sperm and I walked back to the waiting room. I was told it’d be about an hour before they were ready, so I decided to head out for breakfast and come back.

While I was waiting and breakfasting, the nurse was busy “washing” our sperm. Basically, they take out the semen, and filter out the misshapen sperm (morphology) and ones that don’t swim (motility). They keep only the sperm that are good candidates for fertilization!

It was almost exactly an hour before they called me back in. I went to one of the exam rooms and my nurse Agnes came in. She brought my file and gave me the information about how much sperm was left for insemination after the washing. The clinic looks for at least 10-15 million sperm, and higher than 40% motility for a good chance at success for the IUI.

It turns out I had no reason to be worried about my 10 minutes in the waiting room with the sperm. They fared just fine. 40.7 million sperm. 99% are great swimmers.

Rob was giddy with pride when I gave him the good news that his job was done beautifully.

Then I got undressed from the waist down, and waited for Agnes to come back with the syringe full of sperm. She came in with Lynn, one of the receptionists (acting as a witness), and I had to read our names and birthdays on the labels of the sperm out loud, 3 TIMES. It was annoying at the time, but hey…. I’ll do what I have to do to ensure that my husband’s sperm is the only sperm being put in me. That would be a pretty big mistake.

Lynn left, and Agnes started the insemination. First, speculum (the evilest invention of all time). Then she put the catheter in and slowly inject the sperm into my uterus. (Making a baby is so romantic). It didn’t hurt, except the discomfort of the speculum, and was over in 5 minutes. After that, I was told to stay reclined for about 15 minutes. Not going to lie… it was pretty boring. Luckily I was smart and hid my phone in my pocket, so I played some games… and took a mirror selfie.

Don’t mind me… just trying to make a baby!

All in all, it was easy and pretty quick. No cramping or discomfort really. I’d do it again. (And will if this doesn’t work.)

One thing that I’m still having a hard time getting over is the fact that Rob wasn’t even in the same building as me during all this. I asked him if it would bother him that he potentially wouldn’t be present for the conception of our child, and he casually said, “nah.” Guess I’m the only one who thinks it’s weird. It would have been silly for him to take a whole day off work for this, though, so I see the practicality of it.

Now I just have to wait two weeks for another blood test to tell me if I’m pregnant! And so begins the longest 2 weeks of my life so far……

-DD

1st IUI- Update 7

Today was trigger shot day!

Here’s what $300 of HCG looks like. (Insurance would usually cover this, but in my hurry to get the Clomid… long story short we paid out of pocket for this. Whoops.)

I was instructed to do the trigger shot between 6-9pm tonight before IUI tomorrow morning. Here’s what the set-up in the bathroom looked like.

Step-by-step directions via video setup right next to the equipment!

So HCG comes as a powder, which is not injectable. So I had to mix it (like a scientist) in my own bathroom at home in order to be able to inject it. The pink top bottle is sterilized water and the blue bottle has the powdered HCG in it.

HCG is the pregnancy hormone. When injected, it “strongly encourages” a woman’s body to finish up maturing those eggs and ovulate them. It “triggers” ovulation.

This is me injecting the water from the pink vial into the powder in the small blue vial and mixing it up.

I waited until Rob was around to make sure he could do the injection. I offered to do it myself, but he didn’t want me to have to do that.

I drew up the mixture and the injection was ready to go!

I iced my tush to prep for the needle. The nurse suggested it would make it a little easier and keep it from hurting.

And then we were ready to inject!!! I called Rob over and handed him the needle…

EXCEPT

He wouldn’t take the syringe. He chickened out. He doesn’t like needles, so I was surprised when he said he wanted to help. But alas, I could have done it myself. I shot myself in the butt. (And he refused to take a picture of me injecting myself.)

So anyway, trigger shot is done! Pretty painless. Anxious about the IUI tomorrow. Hopefully things go smoothly with that!

-DD